Cosmopolitan ‘promotion’ (advert) MaxFactor Second Skin Foundation

thank you SO MUCH, Cosmopolitan Magazine and Max Factor slap co. for your joint venture ‘promotion’ in Jan 2010 issue. ‘We all want flawless skin, but finding the right foundation can be harder than tracking down the perfect pair of jeans’  OK my heckles are up there in the air already alrighty. Arses.

I could let this slide with the usual smug looking ‘celebrity’ make up artist endorsement and bullshittery about new technology, skin-breathing blah, & blarh & blargggghh.

Somebody in PR has gotten cocky, gotten clever and when the ad ‘boasts’ the product as having a ‘featherlight texture that contains up to 60% water so it spreads evenly and blends to a seamless finish’ well even i spat out the last swig of high strength lager i am treating myself to this very evening.

So ladies, 60% of your RRP £13.99 is wasted on water. It comes out of the tap. You do the math.

sexy MF. just a load of BS.

MaxFactor maketing bumwipers, eff off.

Sickly Sophie or Delicious Miss Dahl. BBC 2 Tuesdays 8.30.

you know when i start a rant with…. ‘i really like’ Sophie Dahl…this means that, maybe i do actually, really like her or maybe i thought i liked her or maybe i find her more interesting than a vacuous void in a black hole of nothing.  whichever way the proverbial cookie crumbles, chances and perhapses are that I am about to rip the poor tart to shreds.

I mean she can’t be all bad, she is the gargantuan grand-daughter of kooky kids writer Roald Dahl. She was a ‘plus’ size model at a size 14/16, which is actually a pretty average size to be in the Uk. bearing in mind the woman is 10 feet tall, she was stick thin compared to us normal 5’5″ birds (however, that grumpy grumble is not the fault of Miss Dahl and more to do with the media-schemdia and bollock-brained fashion industry – thanks for feeding the influenza of bulimia et al).

Get yer buns out. SMEG.

My beef is with Ms Dahl and her latest cookery venture with beeb2. I was actually a bit hacked off before the show itself even started due to the relentless ad campaign. Afterall, here is a posh, priviledged woman who probably has more than enuff spends in the bank, so why not give a young up and coming talented chef/ette some airspace and brass? Well Miss Dahl is working that Nigella flirty sucky finger thing and cashing in her enigmatic aura why-thank-you. Perma citing her ex-residency of Noo Yoike and flashing an engagement ring the £cost£ of which could probably feed a small African nation or 4 for a year or 5. Cornflake girl. Bile rising smuggery.

The programme itself dumbs down cooking, simple, tasty basics that you could just improvise from your mothers Be-Ro book actually, filled with lots of pointless moody Dahl camera shots in parks, on beaches etc blah and nostalgic mutterings to some person just left of camera. WHO the hell are you actually flirting with woman? The boom operator or the just the boom? At least Delia looks centre camera and talks to ME.

All this coupled with Bod-stylee simpleton cartoonery…..well…..pass the sickbag PLEEEEESUM.

In her favour? Her skin away from the studio-lit kitchen is a pizza-type friggin mess (YES!) and she is (now) married to a man-foetus (WHY? WHY?).

this may not be legal in some countries

From the same gene pool? OMFG is Abbie Cornish the secret love child of Nicole Kidman?

Scandalmongers AHOY!?

Hello, I am thinking the lovely Abbie Cornish, recently accosted for Madonnas next directorial celluloidal offering bears more than the proverbial passing resemblance to fellow Aussie golden goddess Nicole Kidman.

thinking 'it was Madonna, I was dazzled, ok?'

Now, should you think of the gene pool scenario, Oz must be predominantly populated by fewer genes than possibly other countries and nations, i aint going into the whole history thang ici -check wiki if you can be arsed. But basically, if you have ever visited one of those Yorkshire towns, far in the sticks, away from civilisation where everybody looks the same, there is a reason for this and it is a wonder there are not more birth defects.

I digress….suffice to say, ‘blummin ummers!’ they do look rather alike doncha be thinking? Anyone want to confess or shall i just have a poke about on ‘Genes Reunited’ huh? HUH?

From the same gene pool? Is Gwen Stefani the unwitting love child of Corrie’s Blanche Hunt?

Gwen Stefani is a goddess, Blanch Hunt is a gobshite -a total holler-back-girl (or AOP if you’re gonna be gettin all pedantic wit me).

Blanche's secret lurve child maybe yes?

Check out the genetic facial likeness here, wanna see what the looking glass reflects in like in 40 years Gwen, look no further!

Whosa daddy? Blanche is tight lipped.

From the same Gene Pool? Ellie Goulding and Gavin Henderson

I studied an Open University Darwin/Evolution course last year. It was tough, i didn’t expect so much sciency genetics stuff. I loved the course and would highly recommend it but it changed the way i see the world. It changed how i look at people.

starry eyed Ellie

Ellie Goulding my latest ‘crush’ pop poppet would appear to have possibly been separated at birth from Gavin Henderson, sometime orange rugger-bugger and Monsieur Charlotte Church. Am I right? Or am I right? Yes, they are on a totally different spectrum BUT the bone structure is there babes! (Picasa Ellie orange or add a blonde wig to Gav if you aint feeling it)

Mr and Mrs Church. Gratuitous torso shot - no apologies.

Joe Browns v seasonal fashion blah

OK. Stop the press. It’s a new ‘season’ for fashion.

Thank-you oh so kindly to those nice chapsters at Asos who sent me the latest copy of their fashion direction magazine. How instructive and informative it happens to be.

I risk sounding like an ancient bitter cat-harbouring maiden auntie here but to hell with it, i am gonna let it out anyhow. Here’s the gripe. Choice.

Now choice is supposed to be good. And it is good, to a point. stopping manipulative monopolies over-charging for necessities. But choice is now pissing me off somewhat. In fashion terms this ‘choice has extended to have approximately 5 ‘key looks’ per season r many more indeed. This is transparent and is the fashion industry’s way of squeezing pennies out of the public. This annoys me. After all, if there is only one key look per seson, this will restrict what the consumer needs/wants to purchase.

So, this Springtime you can choose (or be malleated and pressurised) into adopting the fluid nude look, which basically entails dressing all in floaty fleshtone chiffons (at a distance appearing to be totally in the buff) -still a bit parky for that innit? Ok, so you could cover up with key look No2 – the Mac. Now don’t you be thinking that the mac you bought last year will suffice here. Don’tcha be an asshole. The details will NOT be al la mode. This years mac is beige, not black thank you so don’t be thinking you could be getting away with being on the bandwagon without the till a ringing. No, no. Nautical is still news, buy a twee knit that you will wear twice, feel like a prat in then use as a duster in 2 years time. You MUST do 70′s boho(again) darhling! Yellow is big news too – what about a yellow blazer or jeans? What about looking like a deranged budgeriegar? Print pants are just… well, pants (if not vomit inducing and certainly not attractive, think MC Hammer).

My point is that, it used to be that once a year in summer either pastels or brights were in. In wintertime, it was either a black coat or houndstooth. Ok, not quite but the ‘c’ word (choice) is now working agsinst the consumer, as an anti-recession purchasing battering ram. Thou shalt conform, be bang on some trend and most importantly- spend.

Yes, i like to shop. I like new things. I hate being manipulated and I hate the waste of fashion. What i do LURVE is www.joebrowns.co.uk not so much fashionable as two fingers up trendy. A ‘f*ck-you-fashionista’ look that says, i have my own mind and do not conform. Festival chic that is reasonably priced, beautifully detailed and Yorkshire based. Yipppeeeee.

Gorgeous threads, fabulous service, no sh*t.

Really skint? Want to conform(really?) then check ebay, cover the yellow trend with cheap accessories or dylon an existing clothing item. If you really do have to part with cash then charity shops readily sell dodgy jumpers with bows, pictures of kittens etc, Better to spend £3 rather than £60 and you can then give it back in August having realised you will never wear that item of clothing. Not altruism but who cares.

Olay, olay, olay, olay

Urgh, Olay – you used to be Oil of Ulay, nightcream of nannas, cheap and cheerful, loved by millions and mainly unadvertised…

then the global rebrand to Olay was undertaken, like Starburst (Opal Fruits), Snickers (Marathon) etc etc the UK brand was hoisted into line by some global marketeer probably for cost effective packaging and distribution purposes.

I digress, since that time, some years hence, Olay has diversified somewhat into the realms of extensive choice, ‘definity’ ‘classic care’, ‘complete care & on & on. yep to the point where a girl can choose 5 different Olay poducts for each individual wrinkle. Nightcreams, daycreams, creams with sunless tanners, creams to fight 7 signs of ageing, ampules, washcloths infused with moisturising blah, blah. I can hear bathroom shelves and cabinets groaning and cracking under the pressure. Check out the Olay product shelf in the supermarket/drug store, confused? You will be. Just don’t be brainwashed into buying.

The reason i have been prompted to witter is their latest televisual advertisement. The actual product title, may have been Olay ‘Regenerist’ – don’t quote me cos i was hearing ‘Lovin You’ by Minnie Ripperton on Munkie.fm in my own petty mind (it’s my mind’s ‘tune all the crap out’ song) when some voice-over marketing blabber broke through the ‘la la la la la’ advising and heralding the new ‘american dream cream’ meaning that you don’t have to fork out on expensive medical procedures. I look at the tellybox and read the ‘small print’ at the bottom of the tv screen (currently showing an inappropriately young model floating about like a taut skinned vixen in red floaty frock) then i clocked the words. they read : ‘RESULT NOT EQUAL TO MEDICAL PROCEDURES’

I am not ‘worth it’. I am worth more than this transparent condescending tripe. The ‘medical procedure’ referred to…is that a lobotomy?? Quit it. Quit the bull, quit animal testing, quit the excessive packaging of your mid range tat.

thank you toss-pot marketing pillocks. thank you.

Consumers, try Aveda products. Powerful natural ingredients, smells gorgeous, not synthetic. Total lack of harmful irritant chemicals (potential carcinogens). Ecologically sound. http://www.aveda.co.uk/aboutaveda/index.tmpl

gag me with a spoon! That’s GaGa, Lady!

i do like a bit of abnormality and whilst of late, our UK charts have been brimming full of bland, palatable choons thanks to well trained, well behaved minor celebrity androids clogging the pipes; vociferous only when their management give the green light, dutiful and sickening. When did the rock and roll ethos die (I blame Steps, personally). Popular music is changing. Ever changing. Int old days you had to BE rock and roll to be IN rock and roll. Over the last 20 years, the manager, not the artist, became king. We have all been drip fed sterilised ‘stars’ and their musical offerings which, if they were a food, would be a Findus Crispy Pancake (mince beef flavour at that).

Lady GaGa therefore, is a welome intrusion providing music that a person can shake their ass to and coupling it with Warholesque art and fashion that is way too wild for Viv Westwood. This is how music should be, lines blurred between artistic medium, a fusion that jolts the senses. A total circus, not a school choir.

Am hugely pleased that Lady GaGa’s massive album ‘The Fame’ has not only lingered notoriously in the UK Top 40 for 59 weeks but is back at No1 this very fine day.

Ra Ra. Go Gaga.

very First Direct sex advice

ok, yeah, we are a stones throw away from April 1st All Fools Day but what i had from First Direct via Twitter totally beggars belief…

Banking has changed face over the course of the last 20 years from providing a monetary nanny service to being the dominatrix bitch of selling any amount of add-on services in an attempted to quell the shareholders’ and corporations massive purse. That’s just the way o the world these days baby, sad but true. I never thought it would ‘cum’ to this though.

In fairness First Direct’s Twitter account has obviously/hopefully fallen foul of a hacker out there in this rootin tootin rollercoaster of a ride that we call cyberspace but bloomin heck! Could only have been funnier should it have come from a Barclay’s Banker…

the tweet read…. ‘hey, i’ve been having better sex and longer with this here…(a url i am not gonna facsimile, check your spam email folder for examples, you get the message)’. Thus directing First Direct’s twitter followers to a site for ‘Viagpure’ and a promise to the end of a certain kind of dysfunction amongst other ‘things’.

View First Direct’s apology and confirmation that their twitter followers data has not been compromised right here..

Disclaimer : any financial or sexual service mentioned, inadvertently advertised or inferred within this blog has not been tested, approved, verified and is no way endorsed by a munkiebum, honest guv’nor!

BAFTA (schweetie, darhling)

Very touching, the list of the ‘lost’ this year included Brittany Murphy, Natasha Richardson & Patrick Swayze. Fake solemnity from the audience was not appeciated, stop that looking up as if desperately holding in tears and biting of bottom lips cos they aint trembling at all.

Pixar’s ‘Up’ won best animation fabulous but i secretly did hope that ‘Fantastic Mr Fox’ had bagged it. Is it wrong to think of Mr Fox as a total saucepot? Yup, thought so.

Director’s BAFTA went to Kathryn Bigelow for ‘The Hurt Locker’ – up against ‘Avatar’ and ‘District 9′ which were both stunning. Dedicated her Bafta to ‘never abandoning finding a resoltion for peace’.  Cool. Nice dress honey.

Best Film : ‘The Hurt Locker’. I must admit i was rooting or ‘Avatar’ but this was maybe considered too mainstrea, and/or profitable.

A balding Prince William coupled with a gloriously gold-frocked Uma Thurman (might have been jealous but she had a BIG zit on one cheek, taking note of which must mean that i was actually green with envy cos she is gorgeous) presented the Fellowship BAFTA to Vanessa Redgrave (dodgy, ramling speech a must have). A BAFTA truly deserved though.