Sickly Sophie or Delicious Miss Dahl. BBC 2 Tuesdays 8.30.

you know when i start a rant with…. ‘i really like’ Sophie Dahl…this means that, maybe i do actually, really like her or maybe i thought i liked her or maybe i find her more interesting than a vacuous void in a black hole of nothing.  whichever way the proverbial cookie crumbles, chances and perhapses are that I am about to rip the poor tart to shreds.

I mean she can’t be all bad, she is the gargantuan grand-daughter of kooky kids writer Roald Dahl. She was a ‘plus’ size model at a size 14/16, which is actually a pretty average size to be in the Uk. bearing in mind the woman is 10 feet tall, she was stick thin compared to us normal 5’5″ birds (however, that grumpy grumble is not the fault of Miss Dahl and more to do with the media-schemdia and bollock-brained fashion industry – thanks for feeding the influenza of bulimia et al).

Get yer buns out. SMEG.

My beef is with Ms Dahl and her latest cookery venture with beeb2. I was actually a bit hacked off before the show itself even started due to the relentless ad campaign. Afterall, here is a posh, priviledged woman who probably has more than enuff spends in the bank, so why not give a young up and coming talented chef/ette some airspace and brass? Well Miss Dahl is working that Nigella flirty sucky finger thing and cashing in her enigmatic aura why-thank-you. Perma citing her ex-residency of Noo Yoike and flashing an engagement ring the £cost£ of which could probably feed a small African nation or 4 for a year or 5. Cornflake girl. Bile rising smuggery.

The programme itself dumbs down cooking, simple, tasty basics that you could just improvise from your mothers Be-Ro book actually, filled with lots of pointless moody Dahl camera shots in parks, on beaches etc blah and nostalgic mutterings to some person just left of camera. WHO the hell are you actually flirting with woman? The boom operator or the just the boom? At least Delia looks centre camera and talks to ME.

All this coupled with Bod-stylee simpleton cartoonery…..well…..pass the sickbag PLEEEEESUM.

In her favour? Her skin away from the studio-lit kitchen is a pizza-type friggin mess (YES!) and she is (now) married to a man-foetus (WHY? WHY?).

this may not be legal in some countries

Fruity Veg (a chunk of potato that looks like a breasticle)

Oooooh la la.

So, there I am stirring and seasoning a batch of most delicious and warming Moroccan Chickpea Soup ( summer is on the way, this dish is strictly a winter warmer, i’m getting it while i can, before the salads take over) and there is is as i take a slurp from the spoon to see if we be needing more salt or celeriac. . .

a rack of...spud?

and it cannot be stated just how much this piece of spud does actually look like a nork. The totally daft thing is, i cut up the mummy spud and never ‘spotted’ it – alice in wonderland again? but with a knife? Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus.

So, i admit, i am immature, i still laugh at bodily expulsions of air, think sex is funny and marvel at leaves and the way the moon waxes and wanes, the tides turn and the seasons roll. Y’see since the whole EEC thingy marched in like some anti-fun storm trooper with a benevolent mask and told our supermarkets how much of a curve bananas were allowed (among other ‘space core directives’), you just don’t get to see fruity veg (or fruity fruit) any more. It’s a bag full o shame. Esther Ranzen must be hopping mad.  Almost gone is one of mother natures tickle sticks, just as Tesco has all but wiped out the greengrocer form the high street like some thick booted retail nazi git. btw PLEASE SHOP AT YOUR LOCAL GREENGROCER while you still have one, if you still have one. I guarantee there is much more potential to encounter fruity veg and therefore have a manic giggle. Laughter heals all, don’t laugh (but actually yes, do) it’s true.

Hummingbird Yum

The Hummingbird Bakery & Cafe is one of those magical places, similar to Fortnum & Mason. It is as if there is an invisible force-field protecting from negativity and simutaneously promoting general joy. And Hummingbird grub is like a drug.

keep away fom chilren

So, I merrily invested in the Humingbird Bakery Cookbook to instill some of it’s sugary wellbeing into my own abode. I do sugest that you do the same if you are the type who is either inclined or forced to partake in casual baking on occasion.

a recipe for countless instant friends lies within

Safe to say that I is not an earth mother/Mrs Beeton type and therefore some of the Hummingbird Bakery recipes are a touch daunting and the ingredient list a little fussy (for those who are more used to following a free Be-Ro book recipe). Stick with it kids. Always bake double. They vanish quick time.

I especially love the novelty of the ‘red velvet’ cupcakes and also the ‘strawberry cheesecake’ cupcakes (these require a spoon to be eaten with to retain any sort of dignity- when in company. In the privacy of your own home, just get your feet in the trough). If you can’t be jiggered with weighing scales, the floury mess and a washing up pile that Chris Bonnington may find of interest then bob along to the Hummingbird Cafe… and then start a cab-free diet tomorrow!

http://hummingbirdbakery.com/flash.html#home_in

live love York

Apart from all things exquisite, plus ‘bad’ food and shopping, i also have a deep intrinsic love of anything FREE – in true Yorkshire stylee, will be ‘there wi mi bucket’ (translate as getting more than my fair share of said free thang).

Delighted therefore, to make the acquaintance of the tasty taster issue (Feb 2010) of York’s brand spanking new ‘Creative Lifestyle Magazine’.

Professional but funky the mag offers insight into the more ‘right-on’ side of York’s culture scene, promoting, for example, The upcoming Literature Festival as well as where to get hold of free bicycle route maps. Features relate to the likes of Millers Yard and One boutique. There’s a feel and focus on fair trade and local creative talent showcasing. The layout and presentation is most pleasing and homespun but not tatty and certainly not without thoughtful design and content.

If you haven’t managed to bag a copy, you can read the issue online :

www.loveyork.org

or follow on twitter and become a fan on facebook.

I am hoping there’s lots more of this very soon and not just because it’s free!

Fortnum & Mason

we all like cake yeah? like cake, we all like a bit of shopping, don’t we? i am especially fond of the idle type that involves minimal human interaction and all that getting my kit off in freezing communal changing rooms with cheap mirrors that shows an oompa-loompah staring back at me. Woah cowboy, enuffski. So mail or internet ordering is bliss. Vino in hand, i can shop til i drop (or pass-out).

So FANK U to the lovely people at Fortnum & Mason who have sent me their latest mail-order hamper brochure. Glossy aint the word for it’s buttery gorgeousness. Presentation get’s 10/10. And they appear to be oh-so-obliging. Yes the prices are rather humungus, however, these are no ‘ordinary’ hampers. Nope. Not a tin of spam in sight. Perish that thought.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, i like cheap (sometimes) and i love a bargain but i also subscibe to the ‘buy-cheap, buy-twice’ ethic (esp re beauty products). Fortnum & Mason do not knoweth of the C (cheap) word, obviously. This is one of my most favourite emporiums ever. I could lick the windows, the displays are so enticingly delicious. The staff are of that Dickensian ‘yes, maam’ yesteryear, be-doilied quality. And the products……

whilst I may purchase cheapest, beans, bread and unbranded tomato ketchup. I can not and will not live without…..

A Fortum’s ‘jamboree’ of Olives (the oil they reside in is like the finest silk). Deepest joy.

In fact, there are so many lush delicacies that i would happily be locked in their food hall alone for a week or more. Fortnum & Mason. I love you.

Ere, ava butchers…. Fortnum & Mason website

flippin ‘eck

weeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeee ’tis pancake day – much more exciting than Christmas, well ok, i admit, less effort and therefore much more enjoyable. And, yes, i know that i have tried to put restraint on the amount of carbs that enter my person but bobbins to it – IT’S PANCAKE DAY!

My understanding of this ‘feast’ is that it is to use up pantry essentials to clear the way for the Christian flagellation that is lent – i.e. vowing not to ingest anything other than mud for a while. or something. In reality the god-botherers probably invented lent to justify eating mud for a few weeks as being ’holy’ and christ-like (as if eating his body and drinking his blood was not enuff) but actually it was just that there was no grub left after a long hard winter, so please don’t revolt, peasants. Thank Christ for Charles Darwin and Sainsbury’s eh? So now for the most part, pancake day is pure unadultered piggery. Grub up! To the trough…..

Serving Suggestions : (i will not insult you with a recipe for pancakes, besides, you can buy those nice ‘just add milk’ shaker thingies so you don’t even need to bother with the messy bit). On my menu is….

Grated Jarlesberg cheese with red onion chutney.

Chocolate sauce, squirty cream, and cherry jam. (deep joy)

My kids like:
marmalade & chocolate sauce.

peanut butter and strawberry jam, among others

weirdos.

Njoy